Jokes?

[xXxTboNe34xXx]

Hey, Anybody Have any Jokes They would Like to Share??

Ill Start :D

How did BurgerKing Get DairyQueen Pregnant?

He Forgot to Wrap his WAPPER!!! :DD

[DeMoNsXWiThInnX]

What do you do When a blond Throws a Grenade at you?!

Pull the Pin and Throw it back!!! XDDD

[Tyr]

Do they have to be good jokes?

So a lady goes into labour and with her husband by her side she pushes out her first kid. The doctor has a look at it and grabs it by the legs and starts slamming against the wall. The couple is screaming at the doctor wondering what the Hell he thinks he's doing but he continues slaming the baby into the wall. He then throws the baby to the floor and kicks it a couple of times. The couple are hysterical. The doctor turns to them and smiles.
"Don't worry, it was stillborn."

[Gforcemember45]

jeez tyr, that was brutally epic, but lets try to keep it clean.

Two men go to heaven with Chuck Norris and God asks why they deserve to sit at his left and right.
The first man said he was popular.
the second man said he helped the poor and weak.
Chuck Norris said "You're sitting in my seat."

[Z2ato]

Why did the chicken cross the road?











What are you retarded? He did it to get to the other side of course!

[maaatt]

What do you call a dog in the oven?

A HOT DOG

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! -_-

[DangerWillRobinson]

what do you call a(n) __ in the oven?

a(n) ___

[Tyr]

C'mon people, tell some good ones!
-
A guy was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night as they returned from a night out. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the guy replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the guy.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the guy replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "YOU IDIOT! IT'S THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!!!"

[Xaos Falcon]

What do you do when a headless black man is running around your porch?












Stop laughing, reload, and fire again.

[Left 4 Dead]

What do you do when a headless black man is running around your porch?












Stop laughing, reload, and fire again.

EPIC.

But I heard that in chat.

[Shrubberyjsc]

Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "YOU IDIOT! IT'S THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!!!"

I lol'd.


Someone told a joke recently in a TF2 server, but I can't repeat it.

D=


Ok, so a British guy, an American guy, and an Irish guy walk into a pub.

Each one orders a beer, and the three beers arrive with a large head of bubbles on top of each one.

Three flies land right in each beer's head.

The British guy says, "That's disgusting!" He pushes the beer away and orders another.

The American guy just wipes off the head and drinks the beer.

The Irish guy quietly sneaks up, grabs the fly by the wings and shouts, "SPIT IT OOT! SPIT IT OOT!"

[Steve Cloud]

lol

Okay


I got a joke.


*Knock knock*

[Shrubberyjsc]

Who is there, my good sir?

[Steve Cloud]

The police. I'm sorry to inform you that this afternoon your spouse was killed in a car accident.

http://img525.imageshack.us/img525/4233/1217860460152vr2.jpg

[Shrubberyjsc]

D8











I had a spouse?

[Steve Cloud]

Nah its just part of the joke. Make sure if you tell it to someone they have a spouse though.

[Tyr]

A Maori bloke owned a hen which every morning laid an egg for his breakfast. One morning though that Maori bloke got up and went to get his egg only to find that for some reason his hen had laid the egg in his Samoan neighbor's yard. He walked over to get it but as he did the Samoan went outside and grabbed it.
"Oi! That's my egg, it's from my hen!" said the Maori
"It was on my property so it's mine." replied the Samoan.
"Alright" said the Maori, "We'll settle this the traditional Maori way. I'll kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get up. Then you kick me in the balls and time me. Whoever gets up fastest wins the egg."
The Samoan looked at his feet which boasted a pair of new steel-toed work boots. He cast his eyes at the Maori, who was barefoot.
"Okay then, we'll settle it your way."
The Maori stepped back and delivered a massive kick to the Samoan's crotch. The Samoan went down clutching his balls and moaning in agony. In about fifteen minutes he managed to stumble to his feet.
"Okay," he gasped, "now it's my turn."
The Maori bloke smiled; "Nah it's alright bro, you can keep the egg."

[Shrubberyjsc]

"I'll roshambo you for it!"

[DOG]

What do you call a dog in the oven?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
that gave me nightmares man!
cruelty to dogs the world says no!


tyr, that neighbour joke is the funniest here so far!

[Plankie]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/girlscout.jpg

[omgwtfbbqq]

i wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself

[Teknobry]

Little boy and his dad are in the bath, and the boy says to his dad "daddy, why is your penis so much bigger than mine?"
"well for a start" says the dad "mine is erect..."

Little girl walks into the bathroom whilst her dad is stood there having a p*ss. She says to him, "daddy, why haven't I got one of those between my legs?"
Dad turns to her, smiles and says "Don't worry sweetie, as soon as your mum goes out you will have"

[Kazary]

http://img68.imageshack.us/img68/6695/1222821610876ba6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
http://img68.imageshack.us/img68/1222821610876ba6.jpg/1/w345.png (http://g.imageshack.us/img68/1222821610876ba6.jpg/1/)

[Puscifer]

whats the difference between a woman and a fridge?

...


a fridge dont fart when u pull hte meat out...

bahahaha

[DeMoNsXWiThInnX]

Little boy and his dad are in the bath, and the boy says to his dad "daddy, why is your penis so much bigger than mine?"
"well for a start" says the dad "mine is erect..."

Little girl walks into the bathroom whilst her dad is stood there having a p*ss. She says to him, "daddy, why haven't I got one of those between my legs?"
Dad turns to her, smiles and says "Don't worry sweetie, as soon as your mum goes out you will have"

xDD Epic

[Unluckymonk]

probly allready heard this...

Steven Hawking Walks into a bar....
LOL
im horrible...

[DeMoNsXWiThInnX]

There was a Man and Wife, and the wife always loved having the Sexytime, BUt her HUsband was always at work so they never really got to Do it. So one Day Her Husband Goes out to a sex Store, Looking for a good PLaytoo ( :D) He askes the Store manager if he had anything that could really please his wife while He is at work allday, "I think I have something for you." The Clerk Gave the man a MAgic Dildo, Which was Kept in a Safe. " all you have to say is Magic Dildo My .... And it goes there and Does not stop. "great She will love this" So the man Drives home and Gives his Wife the Dildo. THe next Day The man Drives to Work and his Wife Decides to Try her New Toy. She opens the Chest and says, "Magic Dildo , My vagina" THe Dildo Fly's right into The womens Area and Pleausres Her.. A couple Hours go by and the Dildo is Still going She cant get it to stop. She began To Panic and worry, So she drove to the Hospital. She was Speading down the road, when a Cop Pulled her Over. "Mam Why are you speading down the Road?" "PLease sir I need to get to the hospital now!" "why becuase I have a MAgic Dildo Inside me that wont stop." and the Cop Replied. " yeah, Magic Dildo My Ass." HEHEHEHE

[toxictbag]

Hey, Anybody Have any Jokes They would Like to Share??

Ill Start :D

How did BurgerKing Get DairyQueen Pregnant?

He Forgot to Wrap his WAPPER!!! :DD

Dont you mean Wopper? :>

[DangerWillRobinson]

Quoting: xXxTboNe34xXx
Hey, Anybody Have any Jokes They would Like to Share??

Ill Start :D

How did BurgerKing Get DairyQueen Pregnant?

He Forgot to Wrap his WAPPER!!! :DD


Dont you mean Wopper? :>


Don't you mean Whopper?


/facepalm

[Funky Biscuits]

Why is a computer like a fan on a hot day?

It works fine until you open windows.

I bought some software that said I needed a computer that was Xp or better so I bought a Mac :)

OOoo let the bashing begin :)

[Furie]

What did the buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

[Tyr]

I'll tell you the story about Dave.

Dave worked in a factory and he liked to drop names a lot. He insisted that he knew everyone. One day his boss got absolutely sick of this and confronted Dave.
"Dave, stop saying that you know everyone, you're just a guy who works in a factory, you don't know anyone famous."
"I do so," said Dave, "name anyone and I'll prove it."
"Okay," said his Boss, "do you know Tom Cruise Dave?"
"Sure I know Tommy, we go way back, " said Dave.
So Dave and his Boss get on a plane and go to LA. Dave bowls on up to Cruises house and rings the door bell. Tom answers the door.
"Dave! How are you man it's been ages, come on in, we need to catch up! Bring your friend."

So Dave and his Boss spent about an hour or so with Tom Cruise. Dave's Boss was impressed to say the least, but still not convinced. As they left Tom's place he asked about someone else.
"Okay so you know Tom Cruise, that's impressive but you say you know everyone so I still don't believe you. Do you know George W. Bush?"
"Sure I know George, I worked for him way back" said Dave.
So they got on a plane and went to Washington DC. As they approached the White House Bush was just finishing up giving a press conference on the lawn. He spotted Dave and his Boss.
"Dave! Over here! How are you I haven't seen you for the longest time, come on in we'll have coffee and talk about old times, your buddy there's welcome too!"

So Dave and his Boss spent the afternoon with Dubya. As they left Dave's Boss was flabbergasted but refusing to be proven wrong he decided to ask one more thing.
"Okay Dave, that was very impressive. But do you know the Pope?"
"Sure, he's an old friend of my parents; he's known me since I was a young'un."
So they get on a plane and go to Italy to the Vatican. There's a masive crowd there and it's hard to move.
"Look we're never going to get through this lot," sats Dave, 'I'll tell you what; I'll go ahead and go inside and I'll come out with the Pope on the balcony, will that prove it?"
Dave's boss nodded and Dave pushed through the crowd.
About half an hour later, as promised, the Pope came out on the balcony and right beside him was Dave, waving to the crowd.

Dave came back from the Vatican to find his Boss being attended to by paramedics. He asked what had happened.
"We think he fainted, someone found him like this and called us."
Dave's Boss slowly regained conciousness.
"What happened," asked Dave, "did you see me with the Pope?"
"Yeah I saw you with the Pope, " Dave's boss croaked, "and I was very impressed but that wasn't what made me faint."
"So what was it?"
"Well I think it was when you came out on the balcony and I heard a bloke near me ask 'Who the fuck is that bloke up on the balcony with Dave?'"

[Duke51]

Oh my God, Tyr don't stop these are golden. I swear, I have to write these down.

[lilsamuraijoe]

Lmao that was a good one. Tyr. Mind if I borrow?

[Tyr]

Oh my God, Tyr don't stop...
That's what she said.

[Infest0125]

Tyr your jokes officially complete my life!

[DAFATMANISFAT]

So a guy walks into a bar... oh you can fill in the rest

[lilsamuraijoe]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarter back!

Two Antennas got married.

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was great!


A fish swims in to a concrete wall and says "DAM!".

[DAFATMANISFAT]

Jack and Jill ran up the hill to lick each other's phanny,
Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock 'cus Jills a fucking tranny!

[lilsamuraijoe]

wow we went from rated G to X in a short time there..

[DAFATMANISFAT]

Just the way i like it...

[DAFATMANISFAT]

Wait... what is considered to explicit too
get you banned?

[Tyr]

Lets go back to jokes. This is a story about a friend of mine who went to a brothel in Amsterdam.

So he was there and having a good time with one of the girls, giggling and whatnot. Then he leaned over and whispered something in her ear. The girl was instantly outraged, shouted "No!", slapped him across the face and stormed away.

The madam of the house was intrigued, so she sent over a more "experienced" girl. Once again my mate and the girl got on pretty well until he leaned over and whispered in her ear. Again he got a shout of "No way mister!", a slap across the face and was stormed out on.

The madam didn't want an unsatisfied customer so sent of her most experienced girl. Once again my mate whispered in the girl's ear who shouted "not in this lifetime!", gave him a full-palmed slap across the face and stormed off.
Now the madam knew there was only one option; she had to satisfy this customer herself.

So she went over to my mate and found that he was a charming sort. Surely he couldn't want to do anything so outrageous as to warrent such treatment from the other girls. Then he leaned over and whispered in her ear:

"Can I pay you in New Zealand dollars?"

[EClaris]

LOL

New Zealand jokes make my laugh


too much flight of the conchords

[VilentG_Live]

omg that was f***in amazin
i laughed sooo hard!!!!!!!!!

[VilentG_Live]

What do you do when a headless black man is running around your porch?












Stop laughing, reload, and fire again.



omg i laughed soo fuckin hard :D

[Tyr]

VilentG there is such thing as an edit button, use it in the future to prevent yourself from creating three posts in a row.

Ahem.

I got in a car accident yesterday. It was my fault and I don't think I defused the situation at all by what I said to the other driver. I shouldn't have said it but I couldn't resist.

See I rear-ended this car and wouldn't you belive it but it was a dwarf driving the other car. We got out and met to swap insurance information; the usual. He had a huge frown on his face as I approached and shook his head at me as he said "I'm not happy."

I know I shouldn't have said it but I replied:

"So which one are you then?"

[lilsamuraijoe]

lol I love dwarf jokes.

[hooray for zombies]

A sailor was sitting in a bar on shore leave one day when he saw a grizzled old man with a peg leg, a hook hand and an eyepatch. Naturally he was intrigued and decided to ask the old man his history. He walked over to him and sat down as he said "You look like you've seen a lot old-timer, care to share your history with me?" The old man looked up at him and replied "Sure sonny, for there be a tale behind each o' me wounds"

"This here peg leg came from the time when I was lost at sea for a month! I was forced to gnaw it off and eat it to keep alive until I was found"

"Amazing!" replies the sailor "And where did the hook come from?"

"Well" says he "I got this little gift after a week-long fight with the biggest shark ye' ever laid eyes on. It were a fierce beast more'n ten foot long but I won it in the end and I keep its teeth in me pocket for good luck"

The sailor is absolutely amazed by these tales and demands more "So how did you get the eyepatch; was it lost in a duel with a rival? Taken by a jealous lover? Given to a friend for sustenance? I have to know old man, tell me!"

The old man looks at him and says "It be nothing as glamorous as that m'boy, I were staring at the sky one day when a passing bird shit in me eye"

The sailor is flabbergasted "But how? I've never know bird shit to be that dangerous"

The man, looking uncomfortable, replies: "Well it were me first week with the hook ya see..."

[Tyr]

Nice one HfZ. :)
Okay this will be the last joke I post for the day, I really have to concentrate on this butt-fuck of an essay.

A class of five-year-old children were coming in from recess. Little Sally comes in from outside and her teacher is standing by the blackboard.
"What did you do at recess Sally?" asked the teacher.
"I was playing in the Sand Box." said Sally.
"Okay well if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard I'll give you a chocolate." said the teacher.
Sally takes some chalk and writes s-a-n-d on the blackboard and her teacher gives her a chocolate.
Then little Billy comes in from outside.
"What did you do at recess Billy?" asked the teacher.
"I was playing in the Sand Box with Sally" said Billy.
"Okay Billy well if you can spell "box" on the blackboard I'll give you a chocolate."
Billy writes b-o-x on the blackboard and receives his chocolate.
In comes little Mohammed.
"What did you do at recess Mohammed?" asks the teacher.
"I wanted to play in the Sand Box with Sally and Billy but they kept making fun of me and asking to look under my shirt to see if I had a bomb." sobbed Mohammed.
"Oh dear that sounds like blatant racial discrimination based on unfair stereotypes." said the teacher.
"Okay Mohammed well if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" on the blackboard I'll give you a chocolate."

[hooray for zombies]

Nice one HfZ. :)
Thanks, yours have been quite classy too.


So a Frenchman, a German man and a Mexican all die and go to purgatory. There they are confronted by an angel who tells them that if they can complete three tasks, then they are free to go to heaven, but if they fail even once, they get sent straight to hell. "To complete the tasks" he tells them "you must drink 100 bottles of Tequila, slap a lion into submission, and satisfy a woman 100 times in a row."

The Frenchman is the first to step up. "Well, no one knows how to please a lady better than a Frenchman, I will take the woman first" He goes into the room and starts counting it off "1,2,5,14,26,34-AGH I CAN'T DO IT!" and he gets sent to hell.

Next up is the German man who says "Well, in Germany we are all strong men, so I will take on the lion" So he goes into the room with the lion and starts slapping away at it. He's in there for hours just slapping away until he leans back and screams "THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE, WHY DOES GOD HATE US!?" he is promptly sent to hell.

Last up is the Mexican, he looks at the angel and says "Ah, well no one knows how to drink Tequila like a Mexican, I will take the drink sir" So he goes into the room and tosses back all 100 bottles of Tequila and emerges drunk off his ass. Slurring his words a bit he announces that he will take on the lion. He goes in with the lion and, miraculously, when he exits, the lion is cowering in a corner.

Now thoroughly satisfied, the man looks around and says "Alright, now where's the bitch I gotta slap to death?"

[ShaneInFlames]

Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick.

He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?"

And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!

[omgwtfbbqq]

a priest and a bus driver goes to heaven, but theres only room for 1 more.
somehow the bus driver gets in and the priest asks god why
" well, when you are talking everyone falls asleep, but when the bus driver drives everyone on the bus starts praying "

[Funky Biscuits]

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/aristocratjo ke (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/aristocratjoke)

[VilentG_Live]

"Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!
i LOL'd

XD

[Infest0125]

Tyr's my favorite!

"Nah you can keep the egg." Epic lmao

[armored cow]

Ah, Tyr's are so awesome. And thanks for deleting my posts, whoever it was. After I posted them all I realized how bad it was :(

[Tyr]

We all know that Bono is a pretentious prick right?

So U2 were playing a concert in Edinburgh in Scotland and after one of his songs where he said the word "yeah" at least 300 times he stopped the music and stood in the middle of a dimly lit stage. Everyone was silent as Bono clapped his hands once.

Five seconds passed. He clapped them again.

He did this five more times and said dramatically to the silent crowd:

"Every time I clap my hands... a child in Africa dies."

Silence. Then a thick Scottish accent called out from the middle of the crowd:

"So stop doing it ya evil fuckin' bastard!!"

[Infest0125]

We all know that Bono is a pretentious prick right?

So U2 were playing a concert in Edinburgh in Scotland and after one of his songs where he said the word "yeah" at least 300 times he stopped the music and stood in the middle of a dimly lit stage. Everyone was silent as Bono clapped his hands once.

Five seconds passed. He clapped them again.

He did this five more times and said dramatically to the silent crowd:

"Every time I clap my hands... a child in Africa dies."

Silence. Then a thick Scottish accent called out from the middle of the crowd:

"So stop doing it ya evil fuckin' bastard!!"

Tyr is that a true story?? lmao

[Tyr]

I'm not entirely sure but it's pretty plausible isn't it? :D

[epic_man]

ok. there is an american guy, black guy, and a chinese guy and they all three aply for a job at a supermarket.They all get the job and the boss puts the white man on customer service, the black guy on janitor duty, and asks the chinese guy if he can handle the supplies. He replies "Yes, i can do supplies". So a week or so later the boss goes to check up on the men and the white man is helping everyone who needs helped, the black guy is the best cleaner he's had in years, but he just cant find the chinese man. So he went over to the supplies closet, and the chinese man pops out and yells, "SUPPLIES"




best if last part said aloud. and if u still dont understand, ask me in pm

[DOG]

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/aristocratjo ke
i really dont get it............explain?

[Graffiti Rock]

A man walks into a crowded elevator. The buttons were blocked by people so as he stepped in he says, "Ballroom, please."

The lady standing next to him said, "Ooh sorry. I didn't realize I was crowding you."

[Infest0125]

lol graffiti that was pretty good!

[Pastykid]

Theres a new game in Euthopia

its called meal or no meal

sorry

[Tyr]

An 80 year-old man went for a health check at his doctor's clinic. He sat on the bed and the Doctor asked him how he had been feeling.

"How have I been feeling? I've been feeling terrific! I now have a 20 year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think of that?"

The doctor considered this for a second.

"Well let me tell you what I think," the doctor said, "I have another patient, very similar to you. He's an avid trophy hunter; never misses a season. However he can be a bit senile at times. One day when he was going out hunting instead of his shotgun he brought along his walking stick thinking it was a gun. While he was walking by a river he spotted a prime Beaver. He sighted it down his walking stick and went "Bang! Bang!" Do you know what happened? That damn thing fell over dead! What do you think of that?"

The old man was confused.

"I'd say someone else put a couple of rounds into that Beaver," he said.

The doctor smiled;

"My point exactly."

[Steve Cloud]

A guy enters a bar carrying a duck under his left arm.
The bartender notices this and says "Where did ya find the pig?"
"This ain't no pig, it's a duck!" answers the man
And the bartender replies "I was talking to the duck."

[Infest0125]

Tyr your jokes are still my favorite! haha

[DeMoNsXWiThInnX]

hahah Tyr That was Quite Funny!! xDDD

[Dre]

http://sinfest.net/comikaze/comics/2008-10-05.gif

[Tyr]

Ahh SinFest, brilliant comic indeed.

[Dre]

the seal has gotten its bucket taken away.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v255/Husleman/hasabucket.jpg
the seal is on the search for the bucket
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v255/Husleman/goodsir.jpg
and seal has found its bucket and has a formed a plan
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v255/Husleman/team.jpg

on the next episode, see how the battle went down for the bucket!!
stay tuned for the next episode of the Amazing Seal Adventures

[Dre]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/fishtank.png

[Tyr]

Hey Dre, there's a funny pictures thread already. This one's reserved for actual jokes. Y'know, like Women's Rights.

[Dre]

Hey Dre, there's a funny pictures thread already. This one's reserved for actual jokes. Y'know, like Women's Rights.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v255/Husleman/care.gif
.....oh yea bert???

[Shrubberyjsc]

Cow Pat Lip Gloss

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[yinbar]

An eskimo's snowmobile broke down, so he took it in to the mechanic to have it fixed.

"I'll have a look at it," said the mechanic. "Come back in a few minutes."

So the eskimo went for a walk outside to pass the time, then went back in.

"Have you found the problem?" he asked the mechanic.

The mechanic got out from under the vehicle, looked at the eskimo, and said, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," replied the eskimo, wiping his face. "That's just frost on my moustache."

[ShaneInFlames]

"That's just frost on my moustache."

I found that really funny XD

[Funky Biscuits]

i really dont get it............explain?

Did you watch it all?
The joke is at the end :P

[Infest0125]

That Eskimo one may be my fave.... Or the one about Dave.

[Foley]

wow we went from rated G to X in a short time there..

This will NOT help then:

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

[KingKon21]

Tyr is the only person i'd ever have gay buttsecks with (and im not even gay). That is how awsome he is.

[Tyr]

High five!

The Lie Detector

Okay so there was this man who had a tendancy to buy useless junk. One day he brought home a fairly clanky looking robot.
"Why on earth did you get that thing?" the man's wife asked.
"Well apparently it's a brilliant lie detector," boasted the husband.
Just then in walked their son little Jimmy. He was an hour late in getting home from school.
"Son where have you been?" asked the man.
"I've been with a study group in the library working on a homework assignment." little Jimmy said.
Immediately the robot activated, moved over to little Jimmy and slapped him hard across the face.
"Son this robot is a lie detector. What were you really doing?'
"We went to my friends house to watch a movie." little Jimmy grumbled.
"Oh yeah? What movie?'
"Dead Poets Society" said little Jimmy.
Again the robot activated and slapped little Jimmy hard across the face.
"Son?"
"Okay fine, it was "Amazon Sluts 12", my friend found it in his dad's sock drawer."
"Son I'm shocked! At your age I never watched anything like that!"
The robot again activated, rolled its way over to the man and slapped him hard across the face.
The man's wife thought this was hilarious and roared with laughter.
"Ha ha ha! I guess you can't complain then, he's very much your son!" she laughed.

Again the robot activated, rolled over to the man's wife and slapped her hard across the face.

[Infest0125]

Tyr I expected that joke to have to do with someone not being the father... But that was just amazing!

[yinbar]

Nice, Tyr

[ShaneInFlames]

LOL at every joke Tyr has posted.

[BaldingSteve]

Music jokes, forgive me if they aren't funny to most of you.

There's an accordion player who gets out of a gig at 2 a.m, and since he hasn't been put up for the night he needs to drive the 100 miles back to his house. After a while on the road, the man begins to feel drowzy and decides to get a cup of coffee at a gas station.
While he's waiting in line to pay for his coffee, he comes to the grim realization that he left his accordion on the front seat of his car in plain view of anyone passing by.
So he throws down his coffee and runs outside, but it was too late-


someone had already broken through the window and put two more accordions on his seat.

[Steve Cloud]

someone had already broken through the window and put two more accordions on his seat.

Its because no one likes accordions, right?

[munkeybanana]

An american a irishmen and a englishmen are all standing against a wall to be executed in Iraq.

Several Iraqi's are pointing guns and one starts to speak. Suddenly the american man has a brilliant idea and just before one of them pulls the trigger he points to his left and screams "Sand Storm!" and while they look to the left he escapes.

The Iraqi's feeling bad about the american escaping go to fire again and suddenly the irishmen has an amazing idea. Just before they fire he points to his right and screams "Hurricane!!!!" While they all look to the right he escapes.

By now only the Brit is left and the Iraqi's (feeling foolish) go to fire again. When they all have their guns up to their eyes the Brit thinks of how the two others escaped and points right at the men and screams "FIRE!".

:P

[Shrubberyjsc]

D8

That joke was racist!

[Foley]

2 nice smartass answers:

SMARTASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


SMARTASS ANSWER #1 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Har, har, har. 4 pages, here we come.

[Infest0125]

Heard the second one... First one is hilarious though!

[Nemesis_vs_Leon]

We need more jokes here...

I can't think of much.

[Thor-axe]

Heard the second one... First one is hilarious though!

Vise-versa for me.

[Tyr]

A short one from me:

A Rubbish truck driver was doing his rounds, he came up to a house with no wheelie bin outside it and a Maori bloke heading inside.

"Hey mate! Where's ya bin?"

"Oh I've been on holiday."

"Nah mate, where's ya wheelie bin?"

"Okay fine, I was in prison."

*ba-dum-pish*

[Billy Dickhead]

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?



Pick it up and suck it's dick

[twenty3]

We all know that Bono is a pretentious prick right?

So U2 were playing a concert in Edinburgh in Scotland and after one of his songs where he said the word "yeah" at least 300 times he stopped the music and stood in the middle of a dimly lit stage. Everyone was silent as Bono clapped his hands once.

Five seconds passed. He clapped them again.

He did this five more times and said dramatically to the silent crowd:

"Every time I clap my hands... a child in Africa dies."

Silence. Then a thick Scottish accent called out from the middle of the crowd:

"So stop doing it ya evil fuckin' bastard!!"
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tyr]

A little old lady went into a bank with $50,000 dollars to deposit. Since it was such a large amount of money the bank manager came over to assist her personally.

"As I could be held liable I must ask where this money comes from," he said.

"Oh it's quite legal," the old lady replies, "I make bets."

"You make bets? What kind of bets?"

"Oh all sorts," the old lady says, "for instance I'll bet you $25,000 dollars that your testicles are square."

"My... what? You really make those kinds of bets?" the bank manager asked.

"Yes all the time. That bet still stands, will you take it?"

The bank manager thinks for a second. "Okay, I'll bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Perfect, " says the old lady, "I'll come back tomorrow at 10am and we'll settle the bet then. Since it is such a large sum of money would you mind if I brought my lawyer with me?"

"Of course not," the bank manager said.

In the morning as agreed the little old lady and her lawyer turned up at the bank at 10 and went to the bank manager's office. She asked to inspect his balls and he obliged. They didn't look square.

"Because this is such a large sum of money would you allow me to feel them to make sure that they are square or not?" the old lady asked.

"I don't see why not," said the bank manager.

So she did. They were not square.

"Okay," said the old lady, "you win."

The bank manager looked at the lawyer who was noticably upset.

"What's wrong with him?" he asked as he pulled up his pants.

"Oh nothing. I just bet him $100,000 that I could have the bank manager's balls in my hands by midday."

[Deadly]

How to get out of a speeding ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet that lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding too!

[Infest0125]

How to get out of a speeding ticket

WIN

[Tyr]

Aside from the fact that you'd probably be charged with some other much more serious offence.

I heard another one can't remember where. Some guy was pulled over by an attractive female police officer. He was incredibly drunk and as such was arrested. As she was reading him his Miranda Rights:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you in a court of law-"

"TITS!!"

[Infest0125]

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you in a court of law-"

"TITS!!"

hahaha nice Tyr...

[Tyr]

A man has needs:

So this bloke was stranded on a desert island with who else but Heidi Klum. He played it cool for a while but eventually suggested that the two start a physical relationship to address their "needs".

Heidi was game for this and a civilised sexual relationship between the two began. This went well for about a month until the bloke got a bit fidgety and was clearly upset.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Heidi.

"Oh, well, I was wondering if you could help me with something."

"Sure," said Heidi, "what do you want me to do?"

"Could you give me your eyebrow pencil?" He asked.

Heidi obliged.

"And do you mind if I draw a moustache on your face?"

Heidi, a little concerned now, let him draw a moustache on her face.

"And do you mind wearing some of my clothes so you look more like a man?"

Heidi was feeling very uncomfortable now but again obliged.

"And... do you mind if I call you Phil?"

Heidi sighed, "no, I guess I don't mind if you call me Phil," she said, downcast.

A smile erupted on the bloke's face as he took Heidi's arm;

"Phil! You're not going to believe who I've been sleeping with!"

[koddak99]

knock knock , whos there?




Duke nukem forever.

[Infest0125]

HAHAHA Tyr that was great!!

[Tyr]

I still, still do not have a computer. Ya I know. Nevertheless I still drift arond here a bit and since I can't add anything to the threads about how awesome L4D is and how glad you are that Tyr wasn't invited I'll add to this one again.
-------------------------
A married couple have made it all the way into their 90's. Their physician is amazed at how spry they are. However, they are starting to show some mental lapses. He recommends that they start to write things down to help them remember.

Later that night they're are watching TV. The old man gets up; "I'm going to the kitchen, dear. Want anything?"

"Yes!" she says. "I'd love some ice cream. Do you want me to write that down?"

"No, I think I can remember ice cream."

"Oh, and whipped cream." She says. "I know you'll forget that, let me jot that down."

"I got it!" He says, "Ice cream with whipped cream on top."

"And strawberries. I know you'll forget that."

"Quiet woman! Ice cream, whipped cream & strawberries." The old man makes it to the kitchen. She hears him fussing around but soon looses interest and goes back to her TV show. Finally the old man emerges from the kitchen and hands her a plate with Bacon & Eggs.

She looks at the plate quite exasperated.

"Where's my toast?"

[Blackmist]

We all know that Bono is a pretentious prick right?

So U2 were playing a concert in Edinburgh in Scotland and after one of his songs where he said the word "yeah" at least 300 times he stopped the music and stood in the middle of a dimly lit stage. Everyone was silent as Bono clapped his hands once.

Five seconds passed. He clapped them again.

He did this five more times and said dramatically to the silent crowd:

"Every time I clap my hands... a child in Africa dies."

Silence. Then a thick Scottish accent called out from the middle of the crowd:

"So stop doing it ya evil fuckin' bastard!!"

This is actually untrue. it was actually said in a British comedy act, poking fun at a commercial.

[Tyr]

Was it now? I dunno where I heard it. I didn't think it was true either, thus the label "joke"; nevertheless I wouldn't put it past Bono to do something like this and the Scots are awesome so I'd expect one of them to make a classic call like this.

Either way it's a good one for me to tell at the pub since I can do a Scottish and an Irish accent to compliment my Kiwi drawl.

[binge]

It's old, so idk of you guys already posted it/heard it

2 terrorist run through the desert, they're hungry, thirsty and their feet hurt
but there's no river or city nearby,so they keep walking
all the sudden one of the terrorist smells something.. something tasty
He smells meat!
So he follows his smell over a sandhill and all the sudden he sees a massive big tree with steak hanging there
So the terrorist calls his friend; ACHMED, com heer, theers food heer!
To be sure they're not hallucinating one of the terrorist runs up to the tree but then there's a loud 'BANG' and he drops down..
So the other terrorist asks what's wrong; DHABIB! WHAT IS ITTT??
The other one replies .. I.. It's a .. a.. HAMBUSH!

damn

[xBalla4life23x]

Theres an English guy, Italian guy and Polish guy on a plane and they all have to go to the bathroom but theres no toliet paper so they said they should each just wipe their ass with a dollar so the the English guy and Italian guy come out fine, and the Polish guy comes out with shit on his hands, So they asked what happened he says I didnt have a Dollar so i used 4 quarters

[daleluck1313]

There's an English guy, a priest, a German and a Jew on a plane. The plane is about to go down, but there's only one parachute.

The English guy chooses to jump off the plane to save the people on the plane.

The priest chooses to jump off the plane, knowing he would go to heaven.

The German steps forward... and pushes the Jew off the plane.

[iH8lazyDead]

can't believe i never saw this thread, good stuff :)
-------------------------------------------------- --
good chance you've heard it, but for those who haven't....

one day superman was flying above the city when he spots wonder woman sun bathing on a roof, he also notices she is doing so in the nude. as his tights get tighter he realizes that being faster than a speeding bullet he could fly down there, do his business and fly off before she knew what happened. after gathering the nerve to do the deed he swoops down, gives it hell and zooms out of there. right afterward wonder woman yells "what in the hell was that!?", to which the invisible man replies "i don't know but my ass is killing me!!!".

[Infest0125]

Lol... nice Lazy....

[daleluck1313]

Lol, nice one Lazy. My science teacher told me that a couple years ago in my old school. He was awesome.

[Harrison]

A Rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. After an uneventful night, they return to their respective homes.

[Tyr]

This thread isn't alive enough! Clear! Alright you're good to go.
---------------------
A man took his ten year-old son to the circus that was in town. The ringmaster stepped forward and the circus came to life, animals did tricks, jugglers juggled, a small car parked in the ring and a number of clowns got out. One with a green nose and red shoes approached the man to include him in his act.

"Are you an Elephant?" asked the Clown.

"No," said the man.

"Are you a Lion?"

"No."

"Then you must be a Jackass!" laughed the clown. The audience erupted in laughter. The man was ashamed and he and his son left the circus.

The man didn't sleep that night. Over and over in his head he replayed what had happened and dwelled on how the Clown had made him feel like less of a man.
In the morning he decided to change his life around, He quit his job and re-enrolled at University. He worked nights too and managed to finish his four-year degree in three years. Still not satisfied he opted to do Masters an then a docterate, finally publishing his thesis; "How to Deliver Snappy Comebacks to a Clown". The thesis was published and won several book awards and the man, now holding a PHd in Snappy Comebacks is finally satisfied.

The next week a circus came to town, it was the same one which had started the man on his life changing journey. The man talked to his son, now eighteen, and suggested that they go to he circus for old time's sake.

The ringmaster stepped forward and the circus came to life, animals did tricks, jugglers juggled, a small car parked in the ring and a number of clowns got out. One with a green nose and red shoes approached the man to include him in his act.

"Are you an Elephant?" asked the Clown.

"No," said the man.

"Are you a Lion?"

"No."

"Then you must be a Jackass!" laughed the clown. The audience erupted in laughter.

The man nudged his son, "Watch this," he said with a wink.

"Hey!"

The Clown turned around.

"Fuck you, Clown!"

[Steve Cloud]

That was the greatest joke I've ever heard.

[damagepoint]

knock knock

[Steve Cloud]

knock knock


Who the fuck is it?

[damagepoint]

nevermind

[Shrubberyjsc]

I don't get it, Big Dan.

[Unluckymonk]

stephen hawking walks into a bar....

[DED]

Hey, Anybody Have any Jokes They would Like to Share??

Ill Start :D

How did BurgerKing Get DairyQueen Pregnant?

He Forgot to Wrap his WAPPER!!! :DD


Its funny because its tbones birth story

[kidkiller745]

(YOUR MOM JOKE)

Your mum is so fat Dora couldnt Explore her.

[black671]

"Are you an Elephant?" asked the Clown.

"No," said the man.

"Are you a Lion?"

"No."

"Then you must be a Jackass!" laughed the clown. The audience erupted in laughter.

The man nudged his son, "Watch this," he said with a wink.

"Hey!"

The Clown turned around.

"Fuck you, Clown!"
i lol'd so fuckin hard

[zombicidalmaniac]

i gots one i used in mai thread which got shut down due to me forgettin to cearch for joke threads.
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"

"No," she cries, "It's too far!"

"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and he runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

[osiris292]

Two elephants walk off a cliff....boom boom!

[zombicidalmaniac]

Two elephants walk off a cliff....boom boom!
wtf?dont get it

[osiris292]

Quoting: osiris292
Two elephants walk off a cliff....boom boom!
wtf?dont get it

oh dear. basically when someone tells a crap joke you can follow it with drum effects such as "ba dum dum tsh" OR "boom boom!" along those lines when 2 elephants walk off a cliff one could amusingly imagine the sound as being "boom, boom" hence the punch line of the joke is also the inevitable crap joke drum sound effects as well.....

crystal? good.


also while we are on the subject of criticising jokes....

ok. there is an american guy, black guy, and a chinese guy and they all three aply for a job at a supermarket.They all get the job and the boss puts the white man on customer service, the black guy on janitor duty, and asks the chinese guy if he can handle the supplies. He replies "Yes, i can do supplies". So a week or so later the boss goes to check up on the men and the white man is helping everyone who needs helped, the black guy is the best cleaner he's had in years, but he just cant find the chinese man. So he went over to the supplies closet, and the chinese man pops out and yells, "SUPPLIES"

whos to say the "american guy" is white? are all Americans white?! i don't think so. surely you should have said "a white guy, a black guy and a chinese guy...."

anyways rant over.

[Zorgy]

Footie joke here:
A man and his wife get divorced and they take their son to the judge to decide who gets custody.
The judge decided that the boy will live with the dad but the boy says "Please don't make me live with him, he beats me". The judge then says he will live with his mum and the boy says "please no she beats me too."
The judge then asks who the boy wants to live with:
"I want to live with spurs they never beat anyone"
:D

[osiris292]

Footie joke here:
A man and his wife get divorced and they take their son to the judge to decide who gets custody.
The judge decided that the boy will live with the dad but the boy says "Please don't make me live with him, he beats me". The judge then says he will live with his mum and the boy says "please no she beats me too."
The judge then asks who the boy wants to live with:
"I want to live with leed united they never beat anyone"
:D

This one made me LOL as its normally about the team i support (Spurs), so to hear it about another club is a refreshing change!

[osiris292]

another one liner for you....

Dyslexic man walks into a bra....

[Zorgy]

I'm sorry, I've fixed the joke! : p

[SlainPwner666]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says "Thats the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman goes to her seat, furious. She sits next to a man. She leans over and says, "That driver just insulted me"! The man says, "Dont stand for that!! You go over there and tell him off. I'll hold your monkey"

[Zorgy]

Hah @ slain pwner never heard that one.

[SlainPwner666]

Sarcasm?

[Zorgy]

No no it was good no sarcasm :)

[SlainPwner666]

Good. I got moar coming.
A paddy englishman, a paddy scotsman, and a paddy Irishman [WOOT], were playing Russian roulette. The englishman has a gun with 6 chambers, but no bullets. The Scotsman has a gun with 6 chambers and one bullet. The Irishman has a gun with 6 chambers and 6 bullets, but he puts it to the Englishman's head

[Keptron]

A guy is walking in front of his house, his neighbor suddenly see him falling in the ground, he run to see what happened, some blood from back is spilling ...
He see something transparent near of the body and then he hear:

http://th01.deviantart.com/fs23/300W/f/2007/336/9/7/TF2___Spy_1_by_clickmon.png
Gentlemen?

I think it wasn't even funny, but depressing how it fail. /end


Edit:
but he puts it to the Englishman's head

Lulz epic

[osiris292]

A paddy englishman, a paddy scotsman, and a paddy Irishman [WOOT], were playing Russian roulette. The englishman has a gun with 6 chambers, but no bullets. The Scotsman has a gun with 6 chambers and one bullet. The Irishman has a gun with 6 chambers and 6 bullets, but he puts it to the Englishman's head

not funny, your last one was better.

[SlainPwner666]

Quoting: SlainPwner666
A paddy englishman, a paddy scotsman, and a paddy Irishman [WOOT], were playing Russian roulette. The englishman has a gun with 6 chambers, but no bullets. The Scotsman has a gun with 6 chambers and one bullet. The Irishman has a gun with 6 chambers and 6 bullets, but he puts it to the Englishman's head


not funny, your last one was better.
Dont rush me!!!! Im working on it!

[osiris292]

William Shakespeare walks in to a bar and the land lord says "GET OUT, YA BARD!"

[iKissedABoomer]

Funky Biscuits.

[SlainPwner666]

Funky Biscuits.
ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[zombicidalmaniac]

Funky Biscuits.
lmaorofl

[Keptron]

Funky Biscuits.

I think we got a winraaarrrr!!!

[Xaos Falcon]

One day JT was walking down road, and he met meesta playstation man!

Meesta playstation man bad, cause he release too many sequels, so JT man hit him with stick!

[zombicidalmaniac]

One day JT was walking down road, and he met meesta playstation man!

Meesta playstation man bad, cause he release too many sequels, so JT man hit him with stick!
made me chuckle a lil bit

[Etheallmighty]

why won't black moms let their kids play in the sand box with the other children?


the cat might bury them!


(I've heard much better jokes, but for some reason I only remember this one)



EDIT: Stole this from another joke thread on a different forum

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, 'Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, 'That's horrible.'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is that risk involved.'

After a moment, the blonde, still sobbing, asks, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

made me lul

[KingKon21]

Funky Biscuits.
Fuuniest joke i ever heard.

[kidkiller745]

How many is a Brazilian
that made me LUL HARD XD

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says "Thats the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman goes to her seat, furious. She sits next to a man. She leans over and says, "That driver just insulted me"! The man says, "Dont stand for that!! You go over there and tell him off. I'll hold your monkey"

that was already in this thread...

EDIT:
heres comes page numbah 6!!!

[SlainPwner666]

that was already in this thread...
Quote plz

[yourbadmega]

a father was reading his newspaper when one of his daughters walks up to him and asks why she was named Rose. "Well Rose, when you were born, your uncle bought you roses and one landed on your little head, so we decided to name you Rose." His second daughter walked up to him and asked why she was named Daisy. "Well Daisy, when you were born, your Aunt bought you daisies and one landed on your little head so we decided to name you Daisy." *incoherent noises* "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"

[DethPenguin]

There once was a man named Jim
Jim was very slim
I forget the rest of the story

There once was an Engineer
He built a dispenser in 2fort
A SPY IS SAPPIN' MY DISPENSER

[Keptron]

'How many is a Brazilian?'
Depending on the person, maybe 5 bucks lawlz. I like joke about my country but this one wasn't the best :\ NEED MOAR!

[CarrionSwarmJosh]

http://img3.imageshack.us/img3/9130/titsorgtfoyw9.png (http://imageshack.us)

I enjoyed this, so I posted.

[Infest0125]

What about ankles?

[masterblaze0]

Q: What do you call the hair between your grandmother's breasts?

A: Her Vagina.

(XD double grossout!)

[CarrionSwarmJosh]

A: Her Vagina.
My grandmother is clean shaven thank you.

[masterblaze0]

My grandmother is clean shaven thank you.

GMILF?

[DethPenguin]

GMILF?


More importantly, how would he know?

[CarrionSwarmJosh]

GMILF?
Okay there Skwisgaar, don't get too excited.

More importantly, how would he know?
Because I am the real Skwisgaar Skwigelf.

[Kaboose]

What do you call 4 white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA

[DethPenguin]

Because I am the real Skwisgaar Skwigelf.

http://img1.liveinternet.ru/images/attach/b/3/18/106/18106022_Toki_Wartooth.JPG
Ok sure. Your lies amuse Toki Wartooth.

[yopdoggy]

Grandpa calls his grandson to him. He gives the grandson a dollar and says spend it wisely. the son leaves and goes strolling around town. as he was walking, a stranger says "hey! ill give you this rubber duck for a dollar." the boy agreed and traded the man. The boy walked a little farther and a hooker goes up to him and says let me help you put this duck to good use kid. After they do their thing the boy continues to walk around town but trips on a curb and drops his duck in the street in front of a car. the car ran over the duck and screeched to a halt. the man got out and said "hey dont sue me please! heres a dollar." the boy returns home and his granpa asked what he did with the dollar. the boy replied "A buck for a duck! A Duck for a Fuck! and a Buck for a Fucked Up Duck!"

[Tyr]

Ahh haven't posted a joke in this thread for a while:
----------------------
A local Red Cross office realised that the organisation had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer was angry. "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the Red Cross rep mumbled, "Um... no-"

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken Red Cross rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated Red Cross rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea, I'm so sorry-"

"So if I don't give any money to them, why the fuck should I give any to you?"
----------------------
For the record all the lawyers I know are actually very nice people.

Presenting to you the 1,000th post of Tyr the Awesome-and-good-at-many-things.

[lilsamuraijoe]

My government teacher was once a lawyer. Hes a cool guy.

[Etheallmighty]

I enjoyed this, so I posted.


OMG so good!! that would be the funniest thing to see.

[Nuttz]

Ok time for some New Zealand jokes (Sorry Tyr) :P

An Australian customs officer is having a normal day, when he is very surprised to see a Kiwi Farmer walk passed with a sheep. Confused, he approasches the farmer and says, "Mate, you're gonna have to shear that sheep if you're going to bring it into Australia", to which the farmer replies, "I'm not shearing him with anyone!"

An Aussie and a Kiwi are walking around a farm area. They stop to see a struggling sheep with it's head caught in a fence. The Aussie comes up with an idea, so he drops his pants and goes to town on the poor sheep. After this, he turns to the Kiwi and says, "Your turn". The Kiwi drops his dacks and sticks his head in the fence.

I guy comes home from work late one night to see his wife asleep. He see's his chance and goes under the covers to do his thing. A few minutes later he leavse into the bathroom satisfied. When he enters, he is shocked to see is wife there. "What are you doing?" He says, confused, "You're not allowed to be in here", to which she replied, "SSSHHHH!!! You'll wake your mother up!"

And now for some Aussie jokes (Any non Aussies should still get them though)

A New South Welshman pulls up along side a railroad track on his way to his new job to ask for directions. He opens the door and out of nowhere comes a train, smashing the door clean off his car. Furious that his brand new Porsche has been ruined, he calls the police. He explains to them what happened all the while they look bewildered. They finally stop him and say, "Ah, mate, look at your arm". The man looked down to see no arm whatsoever! The train had smashed it clean off! His first words after this were, "Aw shit!! My Rolex!!"

And know some random jokes:

What do you call a guy with a shovel?
Doug.

What do you call a guy without a shovel?
Dougless.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs nailed to the wall?
Art.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean?
Bob.

Random names: Eric Chan (I swear to god there is a kid at my school called this!), Long Wang, Drew Peacock, Jack Doff, Ben Dover, Dwayne Pipe, Theresa Green.

I also have some really disgusting Baby/Toddler jokes, but I think they'd count as inappropriate :P

[lilsamuraijoe]

Eric Chan? That doesn... erection.. oo I get it.

Ohh and Why can't a bank keep a secret?

I'll let you guys answer that.

[osiris292]

a small 2 seater aircraft crashed in a Dublin Cemetary yesterday, so far 136 bodies have been dug up around the crash site and Irish Police expect that number to rise as digging continues through the night.

[masterblaze0]

a small 2 seater aircraft crashed in a Dublin Cemetary yesterday, so far 136 bodies have been dug up around the crash site and Irish Police expect that number to rise as digging continues through the night.

LAWL.

[wertan10]

now epic thread, I RESSUERECT THEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DethPenguin]

now epic thread, I RESSUERECT THEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Which is against the rules.
JOKES OR GTFO

[wertan10]

JOKES OR GTFO
there are 2 muffins in a oven and one says"it sure is hot in here" the other one says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!!!!"

[Tyr]

Wow. We actually haven't had that joke so far.

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl and felt the relationship had gone far enough to take her home to meet his family.

So, one fine Sunday evening the lad, his lady friend and the rest of the family were gathered around the dining room table. The matriarch or the family asked the lad's girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"
The girl hesitated and said, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."
Immediately the lad's mother fainted and was surrounded by a dozen family members who splashed her face with water which brought her back around. She returned to her seat and the family calmed down and resumed the meal. At that point the mother asked again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly.... what is your occupation?"
Again the girl answered, "I'm a prostitute Mrs. O'Malley."
The mother laughed and said, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you said you were a protestant!"

[Infest0125]

Tyr, not as good as your other ones =[

[SlainPwner666]

Its for the Irish to understand, and no one else to give a shit. Good job tyr

[wertan10]

a lonely man is jacking off when he finds sores on his penis, he goes to the docter and is told its got some dirt in it and he needs to rub some vasaline on it.

better joke-one day a man finds a red ring around his penis. he goes to the docter and gets some cream,it doesn't work, he goes back again and gets different cream, it works great and he asks the docter what it was, he said it was lipstick remover.

[DethPenguin]

Theresa Green

I dont get this one.

[wertan10]

I fucked Theresa Green
wat

[The Phantom Patriot]

tyr the irish joke rocks but it's more of a catholic joke and you might here something similar in glasgow still great though

heres an old one its not great and I stole

two peanuts were walking down the street and one of them wss assualted (a salted) *german laughter*

[Smith]

Here's one for you:

A man went to a football game using his season ticket there were 2 empty seats infront of him. He went to every game and still 2 empty seats infront of him. He goes to the game on boxing day and there is a man and his kid in the 2 seats infront of him,

The man: "where have you been all year it's a waste of 2 season tickits"

to which the man infront replied:"well, my wife got the tickits early in the season and gave them to us yesterday as a present"

[Niob_thunder]

joke:
there once was a catholic family with a little girl the little girl prayed every night.one night the little girl was praying and at the end of her prayer she said "good-bye grandpa" so the next morning her grandpa died.the following night she was parying agian and she said"good bye grandma" the next day grandma died.the next night she said "good bye uncle steve" the next morning uncle steve died.haer dad had been listening to her pray and one night he heard her say "goodbye dad" so the dad started freaking out the next day he was being extra careful he looked both ways twice before crosing the street and everything.when her got hom his wife asked "how was your dayd dear" the father replied'"my day was horrible" a few minutes later his wife says"something horrible happened today...the milk man died!!"

[docofthemist1337]

something horrible happened today...the milk man died!!"


what you did thar

I SEE IT

[OrangeCat X]

.the milk man died!!"LOL!!!

[lawlhat]

the milk man died!
Lol

[Niob_thunder]

im glad people thought it was funny O_O

[Howler]

Racist joke my friend told me.

An Irish man, a Scottish man and a English man went on a plane. The captain said they need to chuck out what they have alot of in their country. The Irish man goes: We have too many four leaf clovers. And chucks out the clovers. The Scottish man chucks out haggis and finally the English man goes:We have to many p**i's in this country. And throws out a p**i.

[black671]

p**i
joke is not funny due to lack of balls

[Bill_the_nonchalant]

Howler, I didn't get your joke because of the censer

[YuriTMND]

What's the difference between a Hockey Mom and a Bull Dog?

Lipstick.

[Steve Cloud]

Howler, I didn't get your joke because of the censer

I believe he means "Paki (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Paki)"

[DethPenguin]

What's the difference between a Hockey Mom and a Bull Dog?

Lipstick.

Bull Dogs wear lip stick?

[Tyr]

"Clear!"

EPIC REVIVE!

"Alright buddy you're good to go!"
---------------
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when your husband is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. He responded mostly by growling and stiring from his slumber only to go back to sleep.

The minister continued, "...and it must be remembered what Eve told Adam after bearing him his 99th child. Can anyone tell me what her words were?"

Mrs. Jones one again poked her husband:

"You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your arse!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[LostinTheInternet]

Meh, I'm gonna get banned anyway:

What did Hitler say to the Jews

Super Moustache Power Force GO!



http://i587.photobucket.com/albums/ss312/UltraNoodleMan/adolf-hitler.jpg

[Shrubberyjsc]

Meh, I'm gonna get banned anyway:

What did Hitler say to the Jews

Super Moustache Power Force GO!



http://i587.photobucket.com/albums/ss312/UltraNoodleMan/adolf-hitler.jpg
Well, I'll ban you now...

[HolyEvilz]

What do you do when you see a floating television in the middle of the night?




Shout "drop it, nig***."

[LockigerKruger]

What do you do when you see a floating television in the middle of the night? Shout drop it, nigger Lol, motherfucking epic.

[hunterhunter]

You want stereotypes...watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BX78JgkMTQA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7hWeIDg9oE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izdWZfdYXno
(yes I'm black...check the pic thread)

(not for those easily offended,or in uncondittional love w/l4d) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_Q9OCdwA8Y

[SickDaza]

What do you do when you see a floating television in the middle of the night?




Shout "drop it, nig***."

Fucking LOL!

[Jesus123]

Da Hawaiian, Japanee and Podagee students all shared one dorm room. Being college students they spent most of their income on booze. But, there was ONE bowl of beef stew left in the refrigerator.

So they made a deal.. whoever has the BEST dream can eat the stew in the morning.

So they go sleep. When they wake the Hawaiian goes, "brah, I had da' bes' dream! I went dream we had 50 hot chics all partying with us here!"

Da' Japanee goes, "Brah my dream was mo' mean! I went dream we was rollin' with hot chics in g-strings in our own pimped-out slammed Acura RS's!".

Then they look in the refrigerator and the stew is gone! Then the two of them looks for da Podagee and they find him hiding the hallway. They ask da Podagee, "eh brah, you went eat da' beef stew or what?". Da Podagee guy says in a frightened tone, "Yeah............I went dream you guys was full, so I woke up and ate da' stew".

*EDIT*

May of been too harsh but hey lol.

[hunterhunter]

........

[Jesus123]

........

I lol'd.

[Ibkis]

How do you stop a black man from drowning?
.................................................. ........


You take your foot off the back of his head

[black671]

What's the leading cause of pedophilia in America?
Sexy kids.

What's the worst thing a mother can say to her child?
I should have swallowed you when I had the chance.

whats the hardest part about rollerblading?
telling your dad youre gay.

and now for an epic joke....

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Easton Dark]

"I realised I wasn't wanted when my bath toys were a radio and a toaster"

[armored cow]

(not for those easily offended,or in uncondittional love w/l4d) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_Q9OCdwA8Y

For some reason I found this absolutely hilarious. Black, your long joke was also awesome.

[Slochk]

black your joke made me roflol. literary i fell of my chair.

[black671]

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her & steals her purse.

A Rabbi and a Priest are walking down the street when they see a 7 year old boy come out of a candy store.

The Priest says "Hey, you wanna go screw that kid with me?"

to which the Rabbi replies "OUT OF WHAT?"



Knock Knock

(Who's There?)

9/11

(9/11 Who?)

You said you would never forget...

[armored cow]

Lol Black I didn't see the ending to that first joke coming at all XD

[black671]

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS


My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead


Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

[Slochk]

wat

yah im lost

[black671]

yah im lost

http://www.openbsd.org/images/map.jpg

there ya go ;)

[Slochk]

yay, thx lol
in return.....
http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f306/WmV337/1_free_internet.jpg
dam thats one big interntes

[black671]

this is literally the first time i received this....

[Slochk]

lol :)

[Bloodshed269]

How do you trace a scatter plot?

You give the pencil to Micheal J. Fox.

[yourbadmega]

http://img68.imageshack.us/img68/6695/1222821610876ba6.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
http://img68.imageshack.us/img68/1222821610876ba6.jpg/1/w345.png (http://g.imageshack.us/img68/1222821610876ba6.jpg/1/)

i lol'd so hard.

[black671]

What looks good on a firefighter?
The World Trade Center.

[Grieverlionhart]

When I saw the title I immediatly thought, Tyr's comedy hour

[black671]

A wealthy woman moves to America from France. She buys a large house and plans on having a large house-warming party with many distinguished guests. For the event she hires a famous artist to paint a picture to depict a moment in American history. She decides on General Custer’s last stand against the Indians. The painting was to depict what the American general was thinking the moment of his last battle.

He works feverishly on the painting and on the night of her party, his art is in the center of all the guests with a cloth covering it. Everyone draws their attention to the painting and he proudly pulls the cloth off the painting.

The guests gasps and scream when they see what is beneath. There are Indians having sex in every possible position, and even more bizarre is a large fish in the center of all the Indians with a halo over its head.

The French woman screams to the artist, "What is this? This is not what I asked for!" He replies, "Yes, it is. You asked me to depict what Custer was thinking during his last moments on earth. That was 'Holy Mackerel, look at all those fucking Indians!"

[Easton Dark]

A man says to his girlfriend at the beach "You shouldn't eat before you go swimming"

She asks "why is that?"

he says "You're looking a little fat"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I told my wife that my sexual fantasy was to be with two women at the same time.

She agreed.

But was angry when I said that neither of them were her.

[black671]

A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car. The crash takes the car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money." The lawyer says, "How DARE you call me materialistic." The cop replies, "Well, you've been so concerned about your car that you didn't notice that your arm is missing." The lawyer screams, "FUCK! My Rolex!"

[Slochk]

we need more jokes!
http://bum.net/pics/moar.jpg

[black671]

A lonely guy looking for satisfaction wanders into a brothel. He tells the Headmistress he only has $10 to his name. After some consideration, she takes him to a room at the end of a hallway. Inside is a chicken. He gives it some thought, decides he may as well get his money worth, and he fucks the chicken.

A week later he comes back. He's only got $5, this time. She takes him to a room near the end of the hall. Inside, a cluster of men are jerking off to a view of the next room, through a one-way mirror - a man is having sex with a grotesquely obese woman. Off-handedly, he remarks: "That's pretty fucked up."

One hears his comment and responds: "That's nothing! Last week some guy was fucking a chicken!"

[Waterboy2go]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob never returned.

[SlainPwner666]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob never returned.

http://i39.tinypic.com/11lu5qr.jpg

This.

EDIT: FFFFFFFFF

[darkmessiah]

Couldn't laugh, maybe because that old meme is old?

[Slochk]

Couldn't laugh, maybe because that old meme is old?

i lol'd at your non-lol

[darkmessiah]

i lol'd at your non-lol

I smirked at your lol to my non-lol

[hunterhunter]

(it's a silly joke so no bull ok)

what do ya call a guy w/ 4 figers and dying.......

P.S :it's obvious

[darkmessiah]

What.
Whatwhat

[Ibkis]

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

[Slochk]

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

im stealing that joke....

[black671]

im stealing that joke....
that joke's already been done here

[SickDaza]

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in the Vatican?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican.'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
of Rome?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Rome.
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

[Montr]

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

wat..

[SickDaza]

Means, 'fucked', 'screwed', 'had sex with' etc etc. British word.

I am guessing you are talking about shagged, amirite?

[Nuttz]

wat..

He either fucked a dwarf nun or a penguin, now you geddit?

[Montr]

He either fucked a dwarf nun or a penguin, now you geddit?

No whats a penguin?

[SickDaza]

:| WAT?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penguin

This?

[Montr]

Oh yeah!
Derp.

[Nuttz]

I lawl'd the fuck out of my pants.

[SickDaza]

inorite. WTF just happened.

[one of them]

Knock Knock

[Nuttz]

Who's dere lulz?

[one of them]

Orange

[SickDaza]

Good one.

[one of them]

You're suppose to say "Orange Who?".