My Short Zombie Story

[Bozzj7]

I'm going to start writing a short zombie story soon. Hopefully you'll enjoy it. Please give feedback to it, I'd like to know how it is.

[GamerKing]

This is really funny, but I don't know why.

[Tyr]

Maybe because you usually write a story before you ask people to give feedback on it? That'd be my guess. That and asking to know "how it is" when "it" hasn't even been created yet.

[Bozzj7]

Chapter 1: Welcome to the Apocolypse, Please Enjoy Your Stay
Bill staggers down the street, his axe securely in his hand. It was worse than he thought. House doors broken down into tiny splinters. Some cars overturned, their windscreens smashed into glass peices with shined in the sunshine like little diamonds. Bodies lying all over the street, some more desicrated than others. Some there bodies had been feasted on leaving a thin layer of pink flesh. Others survivors had taken anything of worth now. Food, clothes and weapons. Money will get you nowhere, some people never realised that when thy tried to get out by buying themselves a way out. People that done that died at the port, train station or airport they were at. A slight scratching noise come from the house closest to Bill. His muscular physique tightens his grip on his axe. His hairs on his neck stand on end. He walks over to the the broken door hanging on a single hinge and pushes it open. The door opens with a classic horror movie squeak.
Bill steps in cautiously. No signs of movement. Bill pushes open what he presumes is the kitchen door. The door falls backwards and makes a huge thudding noise as it hits the ground. Bill cringes at the sound of this hoping that none of the infected heard it. Thudding footsteps come from the upper levels. Bill runs to the back door. No use locked. Bill turns round to face what's coming. A adult infected in an office suit sprints towards him. The infected swings for bill but misses as Bill ducks. Bill rams his body into the infected and forces him back. Bill grabs the infecteds head as it staggers back and rams the axe into his face. the infected screams as the axe blade cuts through his nose and forehead. The blood shoots up in Bill face and on the ceiling.Bill doesn't mind. He likes it messy. The infected still isn't dead and is still screaming in agony. Bill rams his foot in the infected's cheast and pulls his axe out. He thinks to himself time to go as he steps over the still screaming infected. He sprints out now down the street, broken glass making a crunching noise against his feet. More infected from the street are giving chase now. Bill climbs a rusty, almost broken fence into a railyard. The infected climb over the fence as well and stay right behind Bill making their unique screaming calls. Bill dodges through old broken train cars towards a small building. The infected are nearly right on him their hands barely a centimetre away. Bill can't run much more. After all there's only so much adrenaline can do. Suddenly an infected comes from the side and slams right into him, slamming him into the cold painful stones at his feet.The infected crowd around Bill now. Some using their uncut nail to scratch him. Others delivering kicks in the ribs. Bill rams his axe into the infected on top of him's ribs. It lets out a squeal of pain and rolls off him. But a kick from and infected slams right into his face dizzying him. His sight becomes blurred and the pain excruiciating as the kicking and scratching doesn't stop.
Chapter 2: Guardian Angel
Just as Bill passes out a gunshot rings out striking an infected in the head causing it to explode spectacuarly. Then a noise the glass breaking occurs then the screaming of an an infected. The infected was on fire! The infected on fire staggered into another one setting him alight. Another gunshot rings out, the bullet striking the infected square on the chest, sending him flying back. The final infected goes to strike at a person just out of Bill's sight. There was a small fight by the sound's Bill heard that finished in a loud crack. The person finally stepped into Bill's blurred eyesight. It was a man, about 6ft 3in, muscular like Bill but he was wearing a gas mask so he couldn't make out his face but some brown hair was sticking out from the back of the gas mask. He was wearing black jeans and a blue hoody what was smeared red from blood. Around his jeans was a belt with some grenades and a few molotovs. His weapon was a hunting rifle. He just looked at Bill emotionlessly because of the gas mask and just said flatly "Get up". Bill struggled and fought but he just couldn't get up. This time the masked man half-shouted angrily at Bill " Get Up!". He grabbed Bill's arm slung it over his shoulder and took him to the small building. Bill gazed at the dead infected and was paticuarly impressed with the one with a broken neck. They entered the very gray small building and the masked man half lifted him onto a table. At that moment Bill passed out.
To Be Continued.....

[GamerKing]

shined in the sunshine

shone in the sunlight sounds better.

[Tyr]

You're mixing up past and present tense dude; take the second chapter for example:

"Just as Bill passes out a gunshot rings out, striking an infected in the head causing it to explode spectacularly"

Okay so that's present tense as is the first chapter, yet two sentances later...

"The infected was on fire! The infected on fire staggered into another one setting him alight."

Okay so now we're in past tense. Next sentance:

"Another gunshot rings out, the bullet striking the infected square on, (should be "in",) the chest, sending him flying back."

And we're in present tense again. Three sentances later:

"The person finally stepped into Bill's blurred eyesight."

And we're back to past tense. You stay in this tense until the end of the chapter which is odd considering that the majority of the story is in the present tense.

For my money this story sounds better in the past tense but whichever one you end up choosing, stick to it.

Not a bad story but there's room for improvement in your writing.

[bad_aim]

Also, you don't have to keep saying Bill's name. After you have established who you are talking about, you can say "he".

[Bozzj7]

Thanks for the feedback. I'll try harder. I rushed it quite a bit because I already wrote one half way through. Then I decided to put some music on from the internet but I forgot to add a new tab so I had to start again. Still though I'm very bad with tenses. If you want to read a good zombie story I'd go for TheDark12's story. It's much better than mine.

[Bill_the_nonchalant]

I thought it was alright. Could use some work and better detail, I don;t know I just like stories that build suspence. It was good for a first, if it was your first, but I would put more thought into it.

Keep it coming though.

[Funky Biscuits]

Since when was a few paragraphs a chapter?
Expand and Develop your ideas!

[DethPenguin]

Pronouns are friend.
Split into paragraphs (looks like wall of text)

For my money this story sounds better in the past tense
^These words have been quoted for being the truth^

Work on some punctuation and such, like:
Bill steps in cautiously. No signs of movement.
"Bill stepped in cautiously, there were no signs of movement."

Bill runs to the back door. No use locked. Bill turns round to face what's coming.

"Bill ran to the back door, it was no use, the door was locked. He turned around to face what was coming for him."


Also, throw in some more adjectives to make it more descriptive and nail the feeling of darkness and depression that L4D is.

[wizbang80]

Just because you used amazingly, spectacular adjectives in your glittery, showy action-gore novel, does not mean it will do extravigantly. Use sentences carefuly to describe settings and situations, not seperate words. It is an art that is hard to master, to create the perfect mind visuals with few words i can only assume. I cant pose critisizm w/o being a terrible hypocrite anyway, so thats all i gots. Oh you might want to consider staying awake in that nasty English class. Sentence structure has a method.
Created long ago by John England it was used to teach young pilgrams how to write their daily poems and news articles, and to write land grants to take away land legally in the white mans world. Wich later diffused native americans out of there homes. All because of writing technique.
-------jk heres the link ----------http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sentence_di agram#The_Reed-Kellogg_System